Sipping from the gold-plated skull of Adrian Heath, Atlanta’s manager Frank de Boer looked among his team on the training grounds after sealing the club’s 602nd trophy in only their second week of existence. He was proud of his team. As Josef Martinez, the club’s silver-haired stallion of goalscoring, kicked around the recently won Lamar Hunt trophy at practice, how could de Boer not smile? Off to his right, Don Garber held their 2018 MLS Cup and was already ordering a peasant to etch “2019 MLS Cup Champions – Atlanta United” into the golden cup. Everything was right in the world.
Well almost everything…
Atlanta United are feared among the mere mortals of their MLS opposition. They have built a reputation among the league as the, “Infallible Atlanta United.” Devastating opponents left and right. Every team who dare enter the daunting Mercedes-Benz Stadium leaves a shell of themselves. Broken individuals who wouldn’t dream of making eye-contact with the god-like Atlanta United players. It would be outright offensive, blasphemous if you will, for any club to come forth and challenge Atlanta United.
And yet, from the grimy depths of Chester, Pennsylvania, one club (whose name I can’t even remember they’re so irrelevant) stood in the way of the mighty Five Stripes! How could this happen? This club that stands in the way of the glorious Atlanta, we’ll call them the Frauds, was an accident. A club that should’ve never been, have wandered around MLS in 2019 and found themselves in first place! How revile! How disgusting! Surely the elegance of Atlanta will smite down these wannabe soccer “players”. Atlanta will finally do away with this filth of a club and restore order to MLS. Could you imagine the Frauds hoisting the MLS Cup!? I almost faint from the thought!
(Fast forward through 90 minutes of soccer)
Surely, a mirage. I am hallucinating. I must’ve been staring at the Lamar Hunt trophy too long. All I remember seeing was Josef Martinez eviscerate the puny Fraud defense and win the game for the majestic Five Stripes! My eyes must deceive me, for the result of the match claims the Frauds struck down Atlanta 3-1. I shan’t bare the weight of this loss. For it is a fraud much like the name of the team fraudulently occupying first place!
Atlanta still has one more game to play than the Frauds, who will surely lose all their remaining matches. Atlanta has even played more games than the Frauds this previous month. Even gods among men can become fatigued from their marauding! Even exhausted from crushing the souls of pitiful soccer “teams” all month, the Fraud’s champion left back Ilsinho stood no chance against Atlanta’s REAL defenders! A good rest shall right this wrong! There isn’t much more to say about this horrific debacle. The Frauds are as they once were: Frauds!