‘100-percent accurate’ NFL Draft scouting reports on the Philadelphia Union roster

It’s NFL Draft season, which is a big deal for those who follow the league closely and a strange oddity of American sport for the rest of us. SB Nation is having some fun with scouting reports with a “100-percent accurate NFL Draft scouting report” generator.

I plugged in the names of the 26 players on the Philadelphia Union first team roster to see what would come up for each of our boys in blue. To avoid duplication and things that didn’t make sense (Brenden Aaronson’s said something about collegiate experience on the first try), I may have hit the generate button more than once on a few of these.

Andre Blake

Andre Blake has the echo location to drive a parade float, but scouts say netflix queue could be an issue

Carlos Miguel Coronel

Carlos Miguel Coronel has the bendy waist to outrun a race car, but scouts say credit score could be an issue

Matt Freese

Matt Freese has the length to convert to wideout, but scouts say strong cheese breath could be an issue

Kai Wagner

Kai Wagner has the god-given talent to throw a football over the mountains, but scouts say credit score could be an issue

Fabinho

Fabinho has the powerful glutes to find the end zone, but scouts say thousands of unread messages could be an issue

Matt Real

Matt Real has the pain tolerance to rugby punt a loved one, but scouts say 47 house cats could be an issue

Auston Trusty

Auston Trusty has the manicured hands to handle locker room DJing, but scouts say love of taxidermy could be an issue

Aurelien Collin

Aurelien Collin has the determination to jump pretty high, but scouts say dirty laundry could be an issue

Jack Elliott

Jack Elliott has the film room dedication to swallow a football whole, but scouts say smelly friends could be an issue

Mark McKenzie

Mark McKenzie has the locker room phone etiquette to rugby punt a loved one, but scouts say hot dog opinions could be an issue

Ray Gaddis

Ray Gaddis has the high motor to dodge a wrench, but scouts say refusal to stop quoting POPSTAR could be an issue

Olivier Mbaizo

Olivier Mbaizo has the big frame to outrun a fox, but scouts say distaste for dogs could be an issue

Haris Medunjanin

Haris Medunjanin has the football build to horse-collar a horse, but scouts say dry eyeballs could be an issue

Derrick Jones

Derrick Jones has the big frame to be an Internet meme, but scouts say voting record could be an issue

Ilsinho

Ilsinho has the big-play ability to peel an onion, but scouts say insomniac tendencies could be an issue

Warren Creavalle

Warren Creavalle has the freak athleticism to hold 12 clipboards, but scouts say phone anxiety could be an issue

Anthony Fontana

Anthony Fontana has the oily hands to yell “hike” real loud, but scouts say emoji usage could be an issue

Brenden Aaronson

Brenden Aaronson has the swan-like grace to block like security on Black Friday, but scouts say busted bracket could be an issue

Jamiro Monteiro

Jamiro Monteiro has the high character to bench press 5 infants, but scouts say secret Gritty phobia could be an issue

Alejandro Bedoya

Alejandro Bedoya has the ponytail to make it to the game, but scouts say Twitter beef with Mountain from Game of Thrones could be an issue

Marco Fabián

Marco Fabián has the chubby cheeks to find the end zone, but scouts say too much time spent on social media could be an issue

David Accam

David Accam has the franchise smile to one-hand catch a toddler, but scouts say too-strong of arms could be an issue

Cory Burke

Cory Burke has the good hair to wrestle an earthworm, but scouts say fortnite addiction could be an issue

Fafa Picault

Fafa Picault has the gait of a gazelle to stand near those big fans, but scouts say subpar bread recipe could be an issue

Kacper Przbylko

Kacper Przybylko has the boney knees to memorize the playbook, but scouts say lawn mower splurges could be an issue

Sergio Santos

Sergio Santos has the determination to outmuscle opponents, but scouts say a strong concern with the finality of death could be an issue

Check out the generator and share yours in the comments.