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Union Hulk weighs in on fixing the Union

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HULKY WROTE ABOUT HOW TO SAVE UNION HULKY HERE TO HELP

It's your good friend Union Bruce Banner, the boys in blue dropped another this weekend and it's our best interest to strategize and put a best foot forward this way we can... Is it warm in here? My forehead feels a little clammy. I...I...feel funny...

RAWWWWWRRRR IT YOUR HULKY SURPRISE SURPRISE SURPRISE THE UNION POOPED THE BED AND WEREN'T WEARING DEPENDS. THEY LOST AGAINST SOME TEAM CALLED THE COLUMBUS HOOTERS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT THEY FAMOUS FOR GIVING US BRIAN CARROLL. THANKS HOOTERS. HULKY SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED WITH THIS TEAM. KNOW WHAT? WE SHOULD REPLACE THE DOOPY SONG WE SING AND REPLACE IT WITH THAT SONG ON RADIO THAT GO "I HATE YOU I LOVE YOU I HATE THAT I LOVE YOU" BECAUSE THAT IS THE SONG MOST UNION FANS CAN IDENTIFY WITH WHEN IT COME TO THIS TEAM. HULKY KNOW FRONT OFFICE READ HULKY. HULKY GET EMAILS YELLING AT HULKY SOMETIMES. SO HERE. IT TIME TO FIX THIS PORTA POTTY IN A HUMID SUMMER DAY WE CALL THE UNION. YES BEING A FAN JUST LIKE GOING INTO HOT DIRTY PORTA POTTY. IT STINK. IT SAD. WE CRY AND RUN OUT DISAPPOINTED. HULKY STAYED UP ALL NIGHT AT RICOS AND HAVE 5 WAYS TO FIX THIS HOT PORTA POTTY OF A FRANCHISE

NEW OWNERS. CHOPPER MCMONEYBAGS HAVE TEAM FOR 7 YEARS. ALL WE HAVE TO SHOW FOR IT IS HIS SNAZZY SUITS AND A GOLDEN SHOVEL HE GAVE NICKY SAK. OUR TEAM FAMOUS FOR HIS HELICOPTER. IT BEEN 7 YEARS. LEAGUE GOING TO STEP IN AND STOP THIS FIGHT SOONER OR LATER IT A DISTINCT POSSIBILITY. THEY HAD FAITH IN PHILLY. NO THEY HAVE NO PHAITH IN PHILLY. THOSE GRAHAM GUYS APPARENTLY HAVE DOUGH IF THEY GIVE THE UNION THAT DOUGH DO IT. CHOPPER MCMONEYBAGS IS A DISGRACE AND NIBBLED ON OUR SOCCER NECKS AND GOT US EXCITED AND THEN JUST LEFT.

NEW SHIRT SPONSOR. THANKS BIMBO FOR YOUR MONEY BUT OUR FANS HAVE TO EXPLAIN THAT AS IT A SLANG TERM AND OFFENDS PEOPLE AND ONLY THE PHILADELPHIA UNION WOULD TAKE THE MONEY MAKE THE FANS WEAR THE SHIRT AND NEVER SPEND THAT MONEY ON PLAYERS, JUST CHOPPER GAS AND GILBERTOS WHO ARENT EVEN THE GOOD GILBERTOS. LIKE THE 4TH GILBERTO ON THE LIST OF GILBERTOS. IT BE DIFFERENT IF UNION SPENT THAT MONEY SO WE COULD SAY "LOOK POOPYBUTTS HULK WEAR SHIRT THAT SAY BIMBO SO WE CAN HAVE ZLATAN". BUT WE DONT HAVE ZLATAN WE JUST HAVE ALL OF THE LESS GOOD GILBERTOS.

BETTER MARKETING. REMEMBER THE MOST FAMOUS UNION HAS EVER BEEN IN THIS TOWN? IT WHEN JIM JIM WALKED AROUND PHILADELPHIA WITH THE US OPEN CUP. HE WAS EVERYWHERE WITH THAT THING. HE WAS ON NBC 10! HULKY NOT SURE NBC 10 STILL A SHOW. SO WE WERE SHOWING OFF A FANCY TROPHY THAT WE LOST. IT WASNT EVEN OUR TROPHY. THAT THE EXTENT OF OUR MARKETING. TALK TO NON UNION FANS ABOUT UNION AND THEY ASK IF THEY ARE THE LACROSSE TEAM. CAN WE STOP EMBARRASSING OURSELVES FOR ONCE IN THE EXISTENCE OF THIS TEAM.

TRADITIONS THAT ARE NON SAK AND NON NOWAK. WHAT OUR BIGGEST TRADITIONS? WE SING DOOP BECAUSE NOWAK LIKED IT. KNOW WHAT ELSE NOWAK LIKED? STEALING MONEY FROM UNION AND YELLING AT OUR UNION BEAT WRITERS. YET WE HONOR THAT WEIRDO. WE CALL UNION THE ZOLOS BECAUSE NICK SAK CANT READ. HULKY NEED US TO HAVE IDENTITY THAT MORE FUN THAN HONORING THOSE 2 BUTTHOLES. THIS COME WITH BETTER MEMORIES THOUGH AND ALL OUR MEMORIES ARE OF CRAPPY CRAPPY GILBERTOS. WHEN GOOD THING HAPPEN WE HAVE BETTER MEMORIES AND WE HAVE NEW TRADITION THAT CHANGE AND BECOME OURS.

EXCITEMENT. PHILLY GOOD CITY. CHESTER GOOD CITY. RICOS LOUNGE A DELIGHTFUL ESTABLISHMENT. UNION CAN GET FANS IN STADIUM. HULKY CAN ALWAYS TELL WHEN THERE ARE SUPERSTARS IN TOWN BECAUSE THERE MORE PEOPLE AT RICOS. INSTEAD OF 6 PEOPLE WE HAVE 7 THERE. SEEM LIKE THERE ARE MORE FANS WHEN SOME FANCY PLAYER COME TO TOWN. HERE IDEA UNION WHY DONT WE GET THE FANCY PLAYER? THAT WAY WE DONT HAVE TO RELY ON HANGING OUT WITH ORLANDO FANS AND THEIR GRAPE APE COLORED SHIRTS BECAUSE THEY ALL FLY IN BECAUSE THEY HAVE KAKA. WE SHOULD HAVE KAKA INSTEAD ALL UNION GIVE FANS ARE KAKA. HULK MEAN POOP.

HULKY LOVE YOU ALL

Editor’s note: Union Hulk is a funny twitter follow if you’re not following him already. No, it’s not one of the writers at Brotherly Game - he just emails Matt his screeds. No, we don’t know who it really is either.