Brotherly Game Exclusive: Interview with Union Hulk

There are all sorts of voices in the Union twitter-verse. Some optimistic, many angry, and just about all are frustrated. And odds are if you are one of the people browsing Twitter for news relating to the Union, then you have come across Union Hulk (@HulkUnionSmash). You may know him for his all-caps tirades against the team, his unbridled love for Danny Califf and his tireless recruitment of players like Ronaldinho and many more. In a city that is know for its passion, he is one of the Union's biggest fans (both figuratively and literally) and he was kind enough to sit down for an interview with the Brotherly Game.

The Brotherly Game: The Union have been bad before, but this season is really bad. What do you think is the main cause of the Union's problems?

UNION HULK: HULK THINK IT NO ONE DIRECTION. NO HARRY STYLES.
REALLY... NO DIRECTION. TEAM CAME TO US 2008 AND MATERIALIZED IN 2010. NOWAK WAS A START, WON MLS CUP AS PLAYER AND COACH AND THEY NEVER FOUND THE BODIES HE MAIMED. UNION GAVE NOWAK ENOUGH ROPE TO HANG SELVES. THEN NOWAK WENT CRAZY. NOT LIKE "OOOH LOOK AT ME I'M LIKE PRINCE ‘LET GO CRAZY' SONG" BUT HONEST TO GOODNESS POO FLINGING CRAZY. THEN NOWAK GO AWAY, AND FRONT OFFICE MAKE QUICK PR COACH HIRE. THEN THAT FAIL AND ANOTHER QUICK PR COACH HIRE. THEN 48 GOALKEEPERS. PORTFIRO LOPEZ. FREDDY ADU BECOMES KLEBERSON. BASICALLY IT BEEN 6 YEARS OF UNION TRYING TO DIG THEMSELVES OUT OF HOLE THEY DUG THEMSELVES INTO. FIRST DECISION BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE QUESTION FOR UNION TO ASK SELF IS "WE HAVE AMAZING FANS. GREAT STADIUM. GREAT PROXIMITY TO RICO'S LOUNGE. BUT WHO ARE WE? WHAT THE PLAN?"

TBG: Because of how bad the team is, fans are getting fed up with the Union. What advice would you give to fans in these dark times?

UH: FANS DESERVE TO EXPRESS OPINION. FANS WORK SO HARD. THEY BALANCE FAMILY AND WORK. AT END OF THE DAY, THEY WILLING TO SACRIFICE HARD EARNED MONEY FOR TICKETS AND GEAR, THEY SACRIFICE VALUABLE TIME ON WEEKENDS. THEY FLY OR DRIVE TO GAMES ON ROAD. THEY ARE ENTITLED TO EXPRESS OPINION WITHOUT FEELING LIKE LESS OF A FAN. IF YOU ARE ORDERING EGGS AT MCDONALDS, AND THE EGGS AREN'T GOOD, YOU ENTITLED TO SPEAK UP BECAUSE YOU'VE PAID FOR IT. IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HATE BREAKFAST, JUST THAT EATING COLD STANK EGGS AIN'T NUTTIN' NICE.
HULK ADVICE? THIS SEASON IS A COLD STANK EGG SO FAR, BUT IT MAY BE COLD AND STANKY ENOUGH TO BRING GENUINE CHANGE. STAY COURSE. IT'LL MAKE IT ALL THE SWEETER WHEN WE DANCE IN STREETS OF CHESTER, TOASTING PBR AND REMEMBERING WHEN WE ALL BOUGHT KAI HERDLING JERSEYS (IS HULK ONLY ONE WITH KAI HERDLING JERSEY?)

TBG: It's clear from your twitter account that you're angry with the team. But what would happen if you weren't angry with the team? Who/what else would Union Hulk be angry at?

UH: HULK SAD ABOUT TEAM BUT NOT ANGRY WITH PLAYERS. THEY WORK HARD. FRONT OFFICE ASKS YOU TO BUILD A HOUSE, THEY BETTER GIVE YOU TOOLS TO DO IT. PHILADELPHIA BIG CITY. RIGHT BEFORE UNION STARTED, SEATTLE WENT OUT AND BUILT TEAM. THIS YEAR ORLANDO AND NYCFC GO OUT AND GET FORMED. FEEL LIKE PHILLY FELL THROUGH THE CRACKS. WE SOMEHOW IN A MAJOR CITY HAVE PENNY ROLLING PAYROLL PEOPLE AND NO DIRECTION. THE PEOPLE AND CITY DESERVE BETTER.
IF HULK WASN'T ANGRY AT UNION FRONT OFFICE, 99% OF HULK TWEETS WOULD BE ABOUT CONOR LADE FORMERLY OF NEW YORK RED BULLS, NOW CURRENTLY PLAYING INTRAMURAL SOCCER AT ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. HULK WAS BIG FAN OF HOME ALONE, BUT FELT LIKE CONOR LADE PHONED IT IN ON HOME ALONE 2:LOST IN NEW YORK. GET IT TOGETHER, KEVIN MCCALLISTER.

TBG: What is one position that you think the Union need to address moving forward?

UH: HULK SEE A FEW DIFFERENT SPOTS. HERE WHAT HULK LIKE/NEED/WANT. A TRUE LEADER IN THERE, HULK MADE A BIT OF AN IDIOT OF HIMSELF WHEN DIRK KUYT WAS ON EXPIRING CONTRACT. DIRK KUYT PERFECT FOR THIS TEAM AND CITY. VERSATILE, HAS WON A LOT OF MAJOR GAMES, PLAYED WITH BLOODY BLOODY HEAD. THIS IS A GUY WHO CAN PEP TALK A LOCKER ROOM, THIS A GUY THE YOUTH CAN LEARN FROM, A CITY COULD GET BEHIND AND A GUY WHO KICKS IT GANGNAM STYLE. DIRK WENT HOME TO FINISH CAREER. BUT SOMEONE DIRK-LIKE IN ANY POSITION WOULD BE KEY TO UNION SUCCESS.

TBG: You and Zac MacMath really seem to have hit it off on Twitter. If given the opportunity, would you bring back Zac to be the Union's starting goalkeeper?

UH: GOALKEEPING 101. BE COOL UNDER PRESSURE. HOW DO WE KNOW WHEN KEEPER UNDER PRESSURE? WHEN IT PENALTY KICK TIME. ZAC SHOW IN YEAR 5 HE CAN HANDLE THE PRESSURE WITH ALL THOSE PK SAVES. HE KEPT IT COOLER THAN THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PILLOW. ASIDE FROM HIS ALWAYS IMPROVING FIELD AWARENESS AND PK STOPS, ZAC GOOD TO PEOPLE, HE GOOD TO FANS, HE GIVE HIS GLOVES TO KIDS. ALSO THE MOVIE "TWILIGHT" THEY BASED EDWARD'S LOOK, WARDROBE AND HAIR ON THE LOOK OF ONE ZACHARY MICHAEL MACMATH.

TBG: If you could have any former or current Union player join the Avengers, who would it be?

UH: CALIFF. NO DOUBT. CALIFF HAS ROCK AND ROLL HAIRCUT, ALREADY HAVE SUPERHERO NAME "BEARFIGHT" COLORFUL TATS. MATTER OF FACT, HULK NEED DOUBLE CHECK THAT IRON MAN SUIT TO SEE IF DANNY REALLY IN THERE AND NOT THE "LESS THAN ZERO" GUY THAT EVERYONE THINK IS IN THERE.