Dear Mr. Sakiewicz,
I would like to officially declare my interest in the manager position for the Philadelphia Union. Now I'm sure your inbox is inundated right now with resumes from all over the world, and if I had your email address I'd send you mine. But instead I figured I would just tell you why you should hire me as manager.
First, I have no managerial experience beyond my son's U8's team a couple years ago. Now while many may see this as a disadvantage, I'd like to point out that this means I have zero bad coaching habits that I would bring to the Union. It also means that I am undefeated and untied as a manager. Even the great Sir Alex Ferguson lost matches - 267 of them to be exact, which is 267 more than I have. What a loser! And no, my son's U8 team never lost a match either as at that level they don't keep score. The kids just chase the ball and everyone gets juice and cookies and a trophy. If you'd like, I can provide the cookies and juice for the players for every match. Does the Union have a snack mom? I'll have to evaluate her performance over some time and let you know if she can stay or if we need to bring in someone new.
Now I realize that managing a U8 team isn't a substitute for real experience. You need someone who knows tactics and formations and how to get the best of players. Look no further. I am a BOSS at Football Manager. I took Worcester City - a team that is in England's Skrill North (Sixth Division for those that don't know) and by 2023/24 I had them winning their first European treble. Now I'm not naive enough to believe that I can replicate that success with the Union. I realize that the club will never be allowed to compete in the UEFA Champions League (or the Copa Libertadores for that matter) but I'm sure I can beat any team in the Anguillan League - bring it on, ALHCS Spartan FC! And Football Manager has been used by clubs to hire managers - FC Baku famously hired Vugar Huseynzade after sacking the manager in 2012. And before you scoff at an Azeri team, may I remind you of the defensive performance by the Azeri National Team that stifled the United States for most of their match a few weeks back and saw the US win 2-0 (the same scoreline they used to beat Nigeria who will play for the World Cup, I might add). I'm known to switch up a formation based upon the players I have available and won't often trot out the same subs at the same time every match. It's all situational - and I feel like I can adapt to any situation.
Most importantly though is that as a current fan, I can relate to the fans. Let's face it, the Union haven't had the best run with front office hirings and the fans lately. I can assure you I won't refer to the Sons of Ben as "Uncle Bob" at the picnic, I won't pocket transfer money, you won't have to give me an allowance for porn (although I'm not saying I'm actually opposed to a porn allowance), and I won't blame the fans for the team's performance on the pitch. What I can do is promise to accept blame for bad performances and screw-ups and work to fix them.
So thank you for your interest in me to be the next Union manager. I'm not going to post my cell number or email address here, but I'm on file in the system. Call or email anytime and I'll be happy to come in for a face-to-face interview.