FRED IS BACK!!!

Fred.

FRED.

FRED!!!!!!!!!

The Union announced they have officially brought Fred back to the Delaware Valley after the Brazilian midfielder cleared waivers. Fred had been trialing with the team during the preseason. Now, I know what you're thinking. And there's a good chance your thoughts don't matter to me.

Because Fred is back.

Of course, his role here will be similar to Chris Albright last season; pick up your check, play in a couple friendlies, and help the young men on the team become better professionals and better players in general. I know that his passing was sub-optimal back in the Union's inaugural season 4 years ago, and indubitably has not gotten any better in his 34 years of age. Yes, it is true he was released by a Melbourne Heart club that finished second-to-last this past A-league season. It's also true teammates call him Grandpa.

But here's the thing: his name is Fred. Until somebody comes along with a better one-name like Carl or Mortimer or Joe - and no, the Jô that played for Manchester City five years ago does not count - we must cherish this. One balmy day in Belo Horizonte in August 1979, a mother, drenched in sweat and recovering from labor, gave birth to a baby boy, named him Fred (and only Fred), and crossed her arms demanding respect for her and her new baby Fred. Or at least that's how I imagine it went down.

Helbert Frederico Carreiro da Silva is back, boys and girls. Appreciate and ask yourself where your parents and friends went wrong in not giving you such a cool name.