B&RU Takeover: Important questions from D.C. United fans

There are a few things I, as a D.C. United fan, have oft found myself wondering about our nearest neighbors, a short multimodal trip away in Chester, Pa. It's not often one is given the opportunity to tread onto unfamiliar (digital) ground and ask whatever questions one likes. One (or whatever other pretentious pronoun one chooses) should not forego such a chance if one is presented with one.

• What's the inside opinion on "Zolos" - awesome or dumb?
• Do you still use the Zolos? Is it more or less awesome/dumb than in 2010?
• How much fun was it getting all that press for the Sons of Ben prior to being awarded an expansion team back in 2008?
• How does it feel to still be the country's largest supporters' group without an MLS team?
• How often do you look at the Commodore Whatshisface Bridge behind the River End at PPL Park and think, "Not Chester is just over that bridge"? It's got to be multiple times per game, right?
• Do you guys actually like the Union's jerseys? I mean, actually?
• Really?
• Why?
• If the Union fired John Hackworth tomorrow and re-hired Peter Nowak, how many Union supporters would commit ritual seppuku on the PPL Park Pitch in protest? (Try saying that three times fast.)
• Be honest: you can't actually like the Farfan brothers apart when they're on the field together, can you?
• Be honest again: you can't remember which Farfan brother you shipped off to Chivas USA, right?
• Is it true that every time the Union score from a Sheannon Williams long throw in, a Philly fan loses his virginity to an ugly girl from Stoke?
• Is Freddy Adu still on your team? How's that working out for you guys?
• (I'd ask about how it feels to ship off your best player in Sebastien Le Toux and then trade to bring back a shell of the man he used to be. But I still remember Christian Gomez.)
• (And Luciano Emilio.)
• (And Troy Perkins. Fuck.)
• Actually, can we get a do-over on the Troy Perkins trade? By our reckoning, you owe us one Jack McInerney for that one. We won't even make you give us Fred back.
• What's up with the Cheese Whiz? You guys can't afford real cheese?
• What does the east coast's second-biggest empty trophy case (after only the one in Harrison, N.J.) look like? I feel like it should make you feel meditative. Does it make you feel meditative?